February 23, 2017 by Doug Coutts
New Zealand aims to be the most existible country in the world in just over a decade, the country’s newest Prime Minister, Bill English, announced today.
At a poorly attended (Paddy Gower was there) press conference in Wellington’s Monsanto Botanical Gardens, Mr English said that while the world’s pluckiest little nation famous for punching above its weight had never actually delivered on its clean green pure environment marketing claims, things were about to change.
“We are well aware that we have fallen below world standards in things like water purity, politician accountability and public service television, and are taking immediate steps to address that,” Mr English said, addressing the three journalists and one work experience kid with an iPhone camera set on portrait mode. “And while it’s easy to blame the singular mindset that puts all our eggs in Fonterra’s basket and allows cow shit to be plumbed directly to most taps, that’s only one way to look at the situation.”
Another way to look at the situation, Mr English suggested, would be to examine closely the world standards for water, air and beer quality and move the decimal points two spaces to the left. Or right, depending.
“Of course, that’s not going to be a quick fix,” he admitted. “We’re going to need a lot of Tipp-ex™, and a whole lot of bluster. Luckily we have Gerry Brownlee for that. And if we need to move into Total Denial of All Available Facts mode, there’s Dr Smith.”
If all goes to plan, New Zealand’s rivers will be swimmable, its major cities liveable and all Prime Ministerial announcements unsniggerable by 2028. Late 2028. Post December-ish.
In related news, the Government’s new literacy plan will mean libraries will be readable later in the millennium.