December 30, 2016 by Doug Coutts
Angry at what it says are unjustified character attacks and baseless accusations, beleaguered year 2016 has instructed one of the country’s top defamation lawyers to initiate legal proceedings, it was announced today.
Will Gitchyov, head of litigation at Hedge, Bicker & Quibble, told WWNews his client’s integrity had been under constant attack for an apparent huge rise in the number of celebrity deaths, the like of which many seemed to think had not occurred ever before.
“This is clearly not my client’s fault,” he said. “While not wanting to bore anyone to death – of which members of the legal profession have immunity from prosecution anyway – with statistics, the figures show that, for any given year, the number of fatalities is constant, ” he said.
“Whether you’ve spent your entire life snorting huge amounts of pharmaceuticals up your nose, spent it drinking an entire year’s worth of production of the Tui Brewery in just one session, or even just spent it getting really old and frail – eventually you’re going to pop your clogs. Trying to blame that on a precise number of times that the earth has orbited the sun since the putative birth of Christ is a nonsense,” Mr Gitchyov added.
Comments like “I’ll be glad when 2016 is over” and “2016 sux” were malicious and profoundly hurtful to his client, Mr Gitchyov continued. “My client’s reputation has suffered as well and it’s necessary to take this action now before the next edition of the Reader’s Digest World Book of Facts goes to print. We’ll be looking for withdrawals, retractions, apologies and considerable sums in damages, and also a book deal.”
There was, Mr Gitchyov said, considerable legal precedent. “Her Majesty herself had a narrow escape when a speechwriter changed her “shit of year” line into Latin at the last moment, leaving most people with the impression her haemorrhoids were playing up rather than she was having a go at an innocent collection of months.”
Mr Gitchyov would not be drawn on whether the alleged statistical blips might instead be termed Acts of God. “That’s not for me to say,” he said. “But we do act for Him as well, so give it a try. I need a new holiday home in Nantes.”