December 6, 2016 by Doug Coutts
Monday’s shock announcement that New Zealand’s Prime Minister, John Keys, would stand down from the plucky island nation’s top job forthwith came as a shock on Monday, it was announced.
As part of WWNews’s commitment to quality journalism, which includes paying an annual subscription to the Woodville Argus Clarion Advertiser Times, we present an assessment of the on-going situation, by world-renowned political pundit Juan Sova-Leitly.
Bill English. The deputy PM and Minister of Finance is thought to have a better than average chance of becoming leader of the National Party, due to his prior experience in the job. That prior experience will also come in handy when half the party’s back benches attempt to roll him, again, in the run up to the 2017 election.
Dr Parmjeet Parmar. Even though she narrowly lost the Mt Roskill by-election, Dr Parmar showed she has sufficient support in the electorate to be a serious contender for the top job, especially with her husband helping in the background.
Dr Jonathan Coleman. Widely touted as a John Keys in miniature in all his press releases, Dr Coleman is fondly remembered as the opposition health spokesperson who blew cigar rings at people as a guest of British American Tobacco. Currently the Minister of Health, Dr Coleman is said to be desperately keen on becoming Prime Minister, a move that would delight District Health Boards and doctors throughout the country.
Judith Collins. Thought to be a strong contender, Ms Collins had, at press time, yet to throw her bonnet in the ring, hampered no doubt by all the toys blocking the view of the target from her cot.
Mike Hoskings. John Keys’s staunchest supporter outside of the PM’s undies drawer, Hoskings has put in years of service as the National Government’s spokesperson on All Matters. An uncanny ability to present alt-right think-tank bullet points as social-conscience-at-work puts Hoskings firmly in the running, if the media can be persuaded to crop his expensive tatty jeans out of every picture.