July 23, 2016 by Doug Coutts
A Woodville man, exasperated by continued reports of outrage in the media, has announced he will no longer take any notice of people professing to be outraged at things that are not really worth breaking sweat over, or even getting slightly irked by.
The man, whom WWNews has agreed not to name but frankly it can’t be that hard to work out, says the final straw came this afternoon as he was browsing retweets and re-Instagrams cobbled together by a trained octopus called Barry on loan to the NZ Herlad.
“Like I was reading this thing about Prince Jimmy or whoever letting his dog lick an icecream or something like that, and all of a sudden everyone’s getting on Twitter and Facebook saying all dogs will die as a result and ISIS will kill all the kittens and destroy all the quinoa and chai latte factories… and I thought “how likely is that?’”
The man says his next thought was to track down all the twittering do-gooders and ram a dead dog up their bum, but that soon passed. “I realised positive feedback would only encourage them,” he says. “So I’m going to ignore them.”
The man plans to ignore everyone who claims to be outraged at, but not limited to, the Royals, Rawdon Christie’s shoddy dismissal, Rawdon Christie himself, Mike Hoskings, people who insist on adding an S to Hosking, Mrs Trump’s plagiarismic tendencies, Brexit (whichever side), democracy, democracy gone mad, PC gone mad, climate change, climate change deniers, people who think deniers are grades of pantyhose, the treatment of victims of crime (that’s you, Garth McVicar), the lack of recognition of cannabis as a cure for everything (apart from being incredibly fucking boring), TMOs, anything Shane Warne says (because it’s remarkable he can speak at all), Gloriavale, Naz from the Bachelor, Sky Sports and the plight of the people whose lives have been shattered by the Christchurch Earthquake.
Instead, the man says he is going to concentrate on the good things in life and spend more time outside, throwing stones at the thirty or so cats currently roaming wild in his street and mocking the elderly.
“It’s a positive way to make change,” he says. “The world will go on. And on. And on. Just like those bastards in the news.”