October 25, 2015 by Doug Coutts
Prime Minister of New Zealand John Keys has admitted he might have “picked up the wrong one” when job descriptions were handed out back in 2008 when his socialist-backed National Party took over the reins of government.
“There were a whole bunch on the Cabinet Room table”, Mr Keys told WWNews on condition we guessed which cup had the ball under it. “I just took the one that was closest. I flicked through a few pages and got three sentences in on the Execrable Suminary but got called away for the group photo. Most of it’s stuck though,” he winked.
New Zealand’s incoming governments traditionally have a briefing from officials on the day following the election. The briefing covers everything the new chums need to know, like where to hide the credit card receipts and which of the Press Gallery’s 58 reporters can be trusted and/or bribed. (In 2008 the list went briefly into positive numbers for the first time since Parliament began sitting).
Each member of the team is also presented a large volume, bound in kid (or immigrant if kids are in short supply), of instructions on how they’re expected to carry out their specific duties.
“If I recall correctly, there was a bit of contusion that day,” the PM went on. “I know for a fact [respected Speaker of the House] David Carter didn’t get his at all, and Hekia started correcting the spelling in hers, so I’m not surprised if I got the wrong one.”
Mr Keys said his suspicions were first raised when one of his staffers asked him last month to check what it said in the manual under “statesmanlike”. “It wasn’t even in there,” he said. “There were things like ‘punchline’, ‘daggy’, and ‘fart cushion’, which are very helpful in my day-to-day dealings with everyone, but nothing on ‘statesmanlike’, or even “behaviour”. It’s a mystery.”
There have been no real leads as to the whereabouts of the missing PM’s manual, or even the PM’s missing manual, but Parliamentary Services confirmed today that the Cabinet Room had been used by another group earlier on the day in question. WWNews has been unsuccessful in its attempts to contact a spokesman from the Taita Jerry Lewis Impersonators Club for comment.