PM announces emergency closure of everything

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August 29, 2015 by Doug Coutts

The Prime Minister of New Zealand John Keys took the unusual step of appearing simultaneously on radio, television and online media tonight to make a special announcement to all New Zealanders except those who’ve ditched FTA and Natrad for Netflix and old copies of the Truth.

The simulcast, usually the province of non-journalistic free-associationists like Mike Hoskings, was to allow the PM to reveal new legislation rushed through under urgency and the cover of darkness that would see all shops, schools, libraries and public transport closed this Friday between 4.30pm and 7.30pm.

“We are taking this drastic step to give all New Zealanders the opportunity to get to a pub, order a drink and watch the live announcement of the All Blacks squad for the Rugby World Cup,” Mr Keys told WWNews on condition we vote for the silver and green fern-based flag. “Naming a sports team is a moment of great national, shouldn’t that have a big N not that I’m trying to tell you your job, significance – especially if St Richie is involved.”

The make-up of the squad, expected to involve waterproof eyeliner and botox, will be made at Parliament at 6.30pm sharp. Mr Keys said he had ordered all offices and the debating chamber to be painted black and green with silver ferns placed strategically on the walls and inside the brass spittoons in the Press Gallery.

“All things going well, everything should be open again by half past seven,” the PM said. “Unless Dan Carter doesn’t get in – we’ll shut everything down until he does.”

Mr Keys denied the closure was part of a late push to cement his status as a leader of great gravitas who had bestowed a rich legacy on the country. “I couldn’t be more statesmanlike if I tried,” he smiled, although it didn’t reach his lisp.

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