August 23, 2015 by Doug Coutts
Following complaints after previous Rugby World Cup events that New Zealand’s team, code-named the All Blacks, was hogging the limelight with a special, not to mention intimidating, war dance, RWC officials have announced that all teams will have to perform a choreographed item immediately before their games.
“We can’t have one rule for one team and another for another,” RWC head of the talking to reporters department Anne Killtap told WWNews. “If the All Blacks, Fiji, Samoa and Tonga are going to be expending vital energies before kick-off, we think it’s only fair that all other teams should do the same.”
Under the new rules, teams will be expected to perform a three minute set piece showcasing their country’s vibrant culture and violent reaction to meeting visitors immediately after the National Anthems but before cute schoolchildren release 30 white doves carrying sponsors’ flags. “We expect this will extend the opening ceremonies by a few short seconds,” Ms Killtap said. “But we think spectators will enjoy it and it will give commentary teams more opportunity for muddled metaphor and wildly inaccurate descriptions of on-field activity.”
Sources close to the Scotland team say rehearsals are already well-advanced and the variation of a sword dance using corner posts should “scare the jockstrap off the De’il himsel’.” France is working on a synchronised display of hands-on-hips sneering complete with fake Gauloises and the Irish are in the process of negotiating with Michael Flatley to stay well away.
While England is tossing up between Morris Dancing and a Paso Doble, also rumoured to be favoured by the Argentinians, the US team has put an urgent call out for actors willing to dress up either in blackface or sombreros, according to team physio and choreographer Sal Verspune. “The plan is the team will don Trump masks and urge the public to kick the shit out them,” he said.
The All Black camp is unfazed by the new rule, media manager Bonny Spoints said. “We’ve been expecting it, and frankly how we got away with it for so long beggars belief.”