August 2, 2015 by Doug Coutts
Prime Minister John Keys has announced a cabinet reshuffle in the aftermath of New Zealand’s failed attempt to rule the world through free trade agreements.
Speaking to a hastily assembled press gallery – Barry Soper had three arms but no ears, Jane Clifton’s cardy was on inside out and Patrick Gower looked almost human – Mr Keys said he thought it was time for a change.
“Look, it’s always good to move things round a bit – and it’s got nothing to do with what went on in Hawaii, but you need to put things into prospectus and people into jobs they might be good at.”
Stephen Joyce, Simon Bridges, Paula Bennett and Gerry Brownlee will be jointly in charge of the new created super Ministry of Smarm, Cant, Sophistry and Misdirection, while Chris Finlayson is the new Minister of Barely Suppressed Hissy Fits.
“I’ve also elevated Michael Woodhouse,” Mr Keys said. “He’ll still be Minister of Police but we’ve given him a small step ladder so most people will now be able to see who’s talking.”
Mr Keys concluded by announcing that the referendum on a new flag would be scrapped.
“We’ve decided to hand the decision over to a new ministry with former Trade Minster Tim Groser at the helm. Or should I say halyard!” Mr Keys chuckled.
The Prime Minister was unable to say exactly what Mr Groser’s duties would be or when any decisions would be made. “There are a lot of things that need to be sorted out before we can say for certain when we might be able to make a comment or leak something,” he said. “But when we do have something definite to unfurl you’ll be the first to know. After Cam and Cathy of course.”
Mr Groser, also present at the press conference, declined to comment but later issued a statement suggesting all New Zealanders eat their greens and go to bed early, after folding their uniforms.