August 1, 2015 by Doug Coutts
Beleaguered Australian cricket captain Michael Clarke fronted to the media today to explain how he plans to turn around the looming Ashes loss.
Speaking via Skype Pro from the Monte Carlo pied à terre he uses for relaxing between overs, Clarke said he was not happy with the team’s performance to date and changes were necessary.
“We haven’t been playing all that well,” he admitted. “Australians hate losing and because cricket’s so hard to cheat at, that just makes it worse. So we’ve had a long hard look at ourselves and identified areas where we can make changes.”
One key area was the number of Mitchells in the side, Clarke said. “We’ve only got three and we think that’s holding us back. So, as from Monday, everyone in the team will change his name to Mitchell.” Variations such as Mitch, Mitcho and Mitchy-bum will also be allowed, Clarke said.
The lack of obvious hairpieces has also been highlighted as a probably cause of the Aussie’s lack of form. “Back in the day, there were heaps of ‘em,” Clarke said. “Dougie Bollinger, Shano Warnie and even the Ponster had faux fur glued to the bonce – and look how well we did then. It’s something we’ll look at, even though it’s meant to be undetectable.”
As for him personally, Clarke said he would look at rekindling his relationship with Lara Bingle. “Not only would it give me an excuse to leave the team and dash back home at a moment’s notice, but all the money from the ladies’ magazines will come in handy when the selectors do actually drop me.”
In the meantime Clarke denies his team is on the edge of nervous collapse. “People have said we’ve lost the mongrel, but I don’t think that’s true. He’s still in the team, batting at number two, and if he lost the moustache women and children might stop screaming whenever he’s on the big screen.”