July 13, 2015 by Doug Coutts
After a busy few days of checking under cushions, going through pockets and tipping the milk tokens jar upside down, beleaguered family business Europe has managed to find enough small change to keep Greece going until at least next Thursday, a spokesperson says.
“It’s been tough, but it was worth it” Hemi Fielyac, an assistant regional heir, told WWNews on condition we stayed down on one knee. “We couldn’t stand back and see them suffer, especially since Greece is almost like one of the family. Actually, it’s a second cousin by marriage twice removed, which makes it even more special, and thus more important that we move quickly to keep the branch going.”
Europe will have to make cuts elsewhere as a result. “While the business as a whole has been trading well, sometimes even profitably, there are one or two divisions that haven’t performed as predicted,” he said. “So there’ll have to be cutbacks, and a closure.”
The closure will involve one of Europe’s more recent enterprises, an off-shore outlet store offering cut-price goods with the emphasis on appearance over function and taste. “Our marketing wasn’t the best, “ Mr Fielyac said. “Our customers have been telling us the message was too loud, too repetitive and usually didn’t make sense. The merchandise was often shoddily produced, didn’t perform as promised or broke down completely, and tended to dominate whatever room it was placed in, as well as adjacent rooms.”
There had been issues with staffing which brought matters to a head, Mr Fielyac continued. “We’ve sent out many thousands of new recruits over the years but on-site training has been below par with numeracy, literacy and people skills woefully lacking. Under the circumstances, we’ve decided to cut our losses and shut it down. It seemed like a good idea at the time but sadly it hasn’t worked out.”
America will close its doors for the last time at the end of the month. Staff and stock will be repatriated to an area in the Ural Mountains at Europe’s expense, Mr Fielyac said. “After all that trouble, it’s the least we could do.”
Update: At the time this item went to press we mean the Internet, no one from America was available for comment. But in the past few moments representatives of a Mr K West, describing himself as “Employee of the Month, no, the millennium, damn, make that the entire decade, two of ‘em” have been in touch.
“Mr West don’t need no Europe,” spokesperson Noah Imsane said. “He’s bigger than all of them as you’ll see in his next video.” The video is, according to the spokesperson, a remake of Kenneth Clark’s acclaimed documentary series Civilisation with West playing all the parts except King Minos of Crete. “No one calls him names, he’s smarter than that.” An extended version of the video is expected to run ten minutes, with music.