July 7, 2015 by Doug Coutts
In simultaneous operations across nine continents (see p6, Global Warming Tragedy) and 17 different countries ,federal agents (assisted by Interpol and the Woodville WI scone adjunct) arrested a number of graphic artists, editors and content compilers while seizing computers and other equipment valued into the millions, or gazillions if converted into drachmas.
At a hastily assembled – i.e all the chairs were facing the servery – press conference at Australian National Police HQ, Detective Senior Chief Inspector Finn Blewlijn said that the raids were the result of a lengthy investigation. “We’ve long suspected that Tony doesn’t look the way he’s portrayed in the media, and this proves it – there’s been an international conspiracy to photoshop him in such a way that he looks a bit odd.”
DSCI Blewlijn said sophisticated software automatically manipulated images of Mr Abbott, reducing the vertical aspect. “It made him look a bit squashed, like a footy ball on its side,” he said. “With elephant ears. As you can see by the photo.”
A spokesofficer for the PM’s office, Fanny Yushed-Minchindat said the scandal was a sign of the times. “Tones does such a good job that it’s impossible to point the finger, so his enemies have to resort to name-calling and dirty tricks. Well, tough. Sticks and stones may break the doctors’ bones but names will never hurt them, I mean him”
Mr Abbott was unavailable for comment, as he was spending the day posing for a nautical supplies catalogue.