May 16, 2015 by Doug Coutts
In recent months, the townspeople have been practically living under siege conditions as gangs of scrawny diseased weepy-eyed mongrel moggies have run rampant throughout the village, mewling, puking and shitting – in a very sloppy way – on footpaths, berms, driveways and atop the occasional letterbox.
Various methods of eradication have been tried. Trapping and then sending off to cat heaven with a lethal dose of fairy medicine had proved effective but was called off after several – okay, two – locals complained. One complainant, Jocelyn Shove, told WWNews that killing things was bad. “These aren’t animals, they’re someone’s loved pets,” she said through tear-stained sips of cocoa. “Making them dead isn’t going to solve anything – they should try other options, like rescue remedy or Reiki.”
A team from Manawatu Anger Management was brought in to attempt counselling, but with limited success, according to head consultant Justin Haildeeply. “Some refused to listen and carried on wailing piteously,” he said. “And the cats weren’t much better. So we sent in the invoice and went back to the ashram.”
With the feral felines now numbering over a hundred according to some sources, or seven according to others taking time out from spotting chem-trails to do a whisker count, help may be at hand, if the powers that be would only listen. That’s the advice of one local, Mack Yavelly, who has degrees in protractors in his shirt pocket.
“I’ve done the research and I have the solution,” he told WWNews exclusively, once we’d turned our pockets inside out to check for recording devices and/or UFO probes. “It’s a traditional technique trialled extensively in a small town in Saxony, and it works. All I ask is a small amount of funding from the council to arrange it.”
Once finance is sorted, Mr Yavelly says an expert will get the next flight to New Zealand. “He’ll be one of the esteemed DePeyper family, and I’m personally hoping they’ll send Pai. He’s ace!”