Australian Uni scholarship rush

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May 2, 2015 by Doug Coutts

article-2511786-1993A7BA00000578-232_964x618Several universities across the Tasman are following the lead of the Australian Catholic University, which has just inaugurated a scholarship in memory of recently deceased drug barons, and are offering their own locally-targetted commemorations.

Melbourne’s high-profile Monash U has instituted the Moran Williams Fellowship, in honour of the two family-operated not-quite-legit pharmaceutical firms partly responsible for scores of shootings, drownings and assorted other killings in that city over the past four decades. “Melbourne is poorer for their passing and or incarceration,” Vice Chancellor Lochy Thuvverway told WWNews. “The Morans and Williamses have long been a part of this city’s rich tapestry, which is very handy for draping over a whole lot of things.”

Sydney University’s medical school is offering the George Freeman Research Fellowship in Respiratory Medicine, according to spokesperson Donna Vertellenniwan. “We’ve set up the fellowship as a mark of respect for George, that popular figure accused of all sorts of shady dealings but never convicted of any, cruelly taken from us by asthma in 1990,” she said.

And Queensland Technical Institute has announced a new scholarship in accounting. “The Belke-Petersen Award will be open to all with an interest in pursuing a career in financial dealing, with special emphasis on cleanliness,” Rector Buddy Near-Kilda told WWNews via Skype from somewhere in Jersey.

In other news Russell Brand has decided he will no longer seek to become Britain’s next PM, instead opting to be Lord of the Universe. “I know it’s a step down from my current position,” he told WWNews. “But I’m prepared to make the sacrifice in order to use the special knowledge that only I have to make the world a better place. And increase sales of my book.”

To the weather, a son. Mother and doctors tired but happy.

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