March 4, 2015 by Doug Coutts
In a knee-jerk reaction to earlier knee-jerk reactions to foreign tourists taking up space on roads previously reserved for appalling driving by New Zealand locals, the number of incidents involving the snatching of keys is close to spiralling out of control, and the Prime Minister has warned the practice must stop.
“I’m getting sick of it,” he told WWNews on condition we ran a separate article on the need for a new flag. “And so are Bronagh and the kids. You should see the bruises. They can go and snatch something else for a change.”
In a totally unrelated piece of breaking news, the Prime Minister has urged the country to vote for a new flag. “We need to decide on a design quickly,” he said. ‘We need something unique to drape over the coffins of the non-combat troops returning from Iraq so they don’t get dropped off in Australia by mistake.”
Staying with Entertainment, the producers of NZ’s embattled talent show have vowed to run stringent vetting procedures to rule out a repeat of last week’s controversy. “We’ll be looking to see if there’s anything in anyone’s background that could embarrass the show or piss off Simon Cowell,” spokesperson Talia de Sinconfydints told WWNews once we’d texted twice for each contestant. “X Factor will simply not tolerate anyone who doesn’t conform to the show’s standards.” Already five people who admitted to having piano or singing lessons had been sent packing, she said. “And anyone with a criminal record had better watch out – especially anyone with a copy of Iggy Azalea’s The New Classic or anything by Steely Dan.”
To sport now, and the NRL has decided to do away with referees’ pink jerseys in a bid to increase players’ respect. According to NRL spokesperson Andy Stakina-Nitudagroyne, it’s just one of many changes refs will be expected to make. “It’s important the players look up to our referees,” he said. “So we’ll also be asking refs to shave intricate patterns into their hair, have extensive tattoos, lease a Maserati and drink till three am in strip clubs before urinating in a policeman’s hat.”
Finishing with the weather – there’ll be scattered pockets of rain throughout the country, so watch out for accompanying trouser lint.