August 19, 2014 by Doug Coutts
In a move calculated to divert public attention from his awkwardly timed bicycle pathway initiative, incoming-PM John Keys has said he’ll release the Cabinet List several weeks out from the election to avoid speculation.
“If we don’t put it out there now, people will think we’re not expecting to win,” Mr Keys told WWNews on condition we shielded him from all the other reporters and pretended not to notice while he had a good itch. “And of course we’ll win. All the signs are good…. Well, nicely spray-painted at least. We’ll return with an increased majority and will be able to govern alone, even if the other parties want to try a colactation. Make sure you print that last bit.”
The new Cabinet list remains practically identical to the old one, Mr Keys said, with the notable exception of Judith Collins. “We haven’t found a place for Judith yet,” he said. “She’s been able to chew through the padlocks of everything we’ve tried so far.”
Mr Keys confirmed that he had asked Cameron Slater if he’d like a portfolio but was turned down. “I guess he thought I was offering him stationery,” Mr Keys joked briefly before turning sullen once more.
Cameron Slater confirmed the Prime Minister’s confirmation but said now was not the time for him to take a seat in Parliament. “I couldn’t think of anything less exciting, and frankly I’ve tried,” he told WWNews via an email sent by David Farrar’s Jason Ede alias. “The very idea appalls me. And sickens me. And makes me feel icky. Anyway, I certainly didn’t get into politics to make a contribution to this country.”