August 12, 2014 by Doug Coutts
The Prime Minister of New Zealand and environs, John Keys, has continued his attack on the Mintonet Party, claiming party members were definitely behind the burning of his effigy over the weekend. “I have non-contravestibule proof that it was me they were burning,” Mr Keys told WWNews in an exclusive call rerouted through the GCSB. “Two weeks ago I bumped into Laila and Kim in the VIP section of Smith and Caughey and then the same shirt appears on the burning jeffrey. That’s not a co-inference.” Mr Keys says he’s certain it was the same brand of shirt as ivory buttons burn differently to plastic. “I can’t wear anything synthetic next to my skin, except perhaps a smile,” he winked.
In world news, scientists have discovered life forms in a nearby solar system. Already lawyers at Hedge Bicker & Quibble have threatened to sue three planets and an asteroid, on behalf of their best-selling client Colin Craig. “Mr Colin likes to nip things in the bud,” explained legal exec Bill Padding to WWNews. “Better to strike first and risk looking dorky than not fork out millions to a law firm.”
Staying with people who’d better have a day job organised from 22 September onwards, ACT leader Jamie Whyte says his government will not close down the office of Race Relations Conciliator. “We’ll merely change the name to one that better reflects its new brief,” Mr Whyte told WWNews on condition we forgot he ever said incest should be a new Olympic sport. “The change will save money as well, because Inciter has fewer letters.”
To the weather now, and a large anti-cyclone is sweeping over the country, except in David Cunliffe’s electorate where it’ll be called a high-pressure centre. “Anti has negative connotations, and I won’t tolerate any of that, “ Mr Cunliffe told WWNews but only after we’d apologised for appearing a bit glum walking down his driveway.