July 30, 2014 by Doug Coutts
As New Zealand’s MPs take a well-earned break from the important business of ruining the country, some are using the time off to practice concession speeches for deployment shortly after the election, while others are feeling secure enough to find other ways to spend the day.
Gerry Brownlee, Leader of the House and Minister of Pissing Cantabrians Off, has jetted off to Eastern Europe and a part-time job in the Russian Defence Forces. Mr Brownlee was unavailable for comment but his assistant Gerta Hermovmy, speaking through an interpreter and gritted teeth, told WWNews that the Cabinet Minister was involved in an important role. “Or maybe it is spelled ‘roll’, yes? It has lark’s tongue, caviare and smoked donkey milk cheese. I have toothbrush on standby. And pepper spray.”
Staying with political news, a High Court judge has ordered media poet and people’s mogul Kim Dotcom to reveal everything to American Authorities. All roads out of Auckland are gridlocked as panicked locals, many already wearing blindfolds, flee.
To sport now, and New Zealand lies fifth on the medal table at the Commonwealth Games, seventh on the kitchen table and a miserable eighteenth equal on the patio deck, just below the Seychelles but above the hermit crabs.
Excitement is said to building to fever pitch at the Games Village as putt shotter Valerie Adams looks set to post a record-breaking ninety-third consecutive soundbite containing the phrase “when I put on that black singlet”.
Finally the weather – due to budget restrictions the forecast has been reduced to a threecast and is available on subscription only. No cheques, by request. No requests either – save them for Saturdays on the wireless.