July 4, 2014 by Doug Coutts
Former Play School host Humpty isn’t commenting on allegations he was a serial abuser back in the heyday of the iconic children’s programme, after several complainants came forward claiming they heard him swearing, lots and lots. Humpty would not be talking to media, according to spokesman and close friend, Thingee. “His mouth is just stitched on, for goodness’ sake,” he said. ” I won’t hear a word said against him. My ears are made from an old cushion.”
In other news, a recidivist drink-driver from Naseby has had his latest charge of driving while intoxicated thrown out of court today. Stan de Pyecarnt, 63, was facing gaol time for his seventeenth excess breath alcohol score since Monday but was discharged without conviction after his lawyer successfully argued that the consequences would be extreme.
“My client has just embarked on a promising career as a junior curling champion and is also 6007th in line to the Danish throne,” he told the court. “A prison sentence would mean the end of his sporting and reigning supreme dreams. Not to mention my weekly legal aid cheque, for the duration of his locking up.” The judge agreed, noting it was nearly morning tea time and “it’s Stan’s turn to shout.”
Staying with sport although he isn’t, forming cricketing pariah Lou Vincent is expected to announce he will join the Mintonet Party at twelfth man on the List. Vincent was recently banned from cricket for life (or for cheating, we’re not sure) but was rehabilitated 24 hours later by a fawning media desperate to show there’s less to this story than meets the eye. Mr Vincent was unwilling to speak to WWNews unless his alpaca and pet rabbits got a photo, but it’s believed he will be standing on the principle of forgiveness and then his stumps mid-afternoon on day 17 of the campaign.
To the weather now and New Zealand has just experienced its hottest June since records began, says Niwa. Spokesperson Cyril Q Mullis was unable to confirm whether that was the 45, first appearing in 1949, or the 78 which was invented in the twenties. “But it won’t be earlier than that,” he said. “Wax cylinders would have melted in the heat.”