June 29, 2014 by Doug Coutts
Following the widely trumpeted success of Charter Schools, where any crackpot can set up a few desks in a warehouse and collect millions in subsidies for not teaching anything remotely useful in the real world, the ACT Party has announced it will only form a coalition with National if the latter agrees to the introduction of charter governments.
“Charter Schools was ACT’s idea in the first place and has been a huge success,” ACT head of pinot and publicity Sylvie Spooner told WWNews on condition we didn’t touch the Lladro. “Already many ACT members have made humongous piles of dosh running what we loosely term ‘schools’ without placing any burden on NCEA Unit Standard assessors. And we think that’s a good model for what we loosely term ‘government’.”
Under ACT’s proposal anyone with sufficient cash reserves, a history of dishonesty offences and an ACT membership card can apply to set up a Parliament. They will get a nice cap with “Speaker” embroidered on the front and will be able to enrol up to 120 friends and family to act as MPs. “MPs will get to choose where they sit, what destinations they’ll fly to for free and how often they turn up for work, if at all,” Ms Spooner said. “The crucial difference to the existing status quo at the moment will be that MPs will now have to make their own coffee.”
Charter Parliaments will be able to be set up anywhere in the country providing there’s sufficient room and gullible beneficiaries. ACT Charter Central, formerly known as the Government, will take a hefty fee up front, 85% of all participant fees and any change left behind in the changing rooms. “In some ways Charter Government won’t be like old-fashioned government at all,” Ms Spooner said. “There’ll be no requirement to pass laws or indeed obey laws. Bribery and corruption will cease to exist – instead it’ll be business as usual!”
John Keys, New Zealand’s Prime Minister for Life Unless He Has Another Week Like That One in the Book ($49.95 at Whitcoulls), said the scheme had some merit. “Although we’re still saying that about Novopay,” he said through an interpreter.