Headlines at 11.17

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June 23, 2014 by Doug Coutts

5427897571_75349b48c8_zAn angry father in Upper Moutere is taking his son’s school to court after the boy was sent home for refusing to sharpen his pencil.  Salazar duPont, a potter and rabbiter currently on a sickness benefit, said the school’s principal was unfairly targeting his son.  “By insisting on crisp letters sitting on the line, the school is stifling Gallifrey’s rights to express his individuality,” Mr duPont told WWNews but only after we’d shared a spliff.  “We will not be sending him back until the principal backs down and lets him print in thick smudges if he so chooses.  And if they start demanding that oppressive joined-up nonsense, then the court will decide.”  The principal, who can’t be named on privacy grounds, said that he would not be attending at court because, as far as he was aware, Mr duPont didn’t have any children, either at the school or in real life.

Beleaguered head of Team NZ Grant Dalton is unrepentant following the shock announcement that he’s paid more per year than Kim Dotcom spends on caviar and V a week.  “I have nothing to be sorry for,” he revealed exclusively to WWNews on condition we didn’t look in that filing cabinet in the back room.  “And besides, two mill isn’t that much, especially when you give most of it away to charity.”  A spokesperson for Mr Dalton’s nominated charity, Keeping Sailing Celebrities Free From Irksome Real Jobs, was unable to confirm exact figures.

In other sponsorship news, the National Party is expected to announce a new deal with APN, publishers of the NZ Herald and the Gympie Times.  “We will most probably ink the deal Tuesday,” party hack Chinley Swunder told WWNews after we’d tipped the concierge.  “The Herald will print exclusively pro-National stories and we’ll send them anything we find on David Cunliffe.  So really it’s business as usual except we all get a nice pen and cap set.”  TVNZ is expected to continue coat-tailing on the deal.

To the weather now and Auckland can expect a nice day all it likes, because it’s going to bucket down.  Take that, posers.

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