June 9, 2014 by Doug Coutts
Once again WWNews does the hard yards to get to the facts before anyone else has had a chance to make them up. We bring you an exclusive interview with one of those closest to the engine room of the Internet Party, so close in fact that she lives in the sump, assistant publicity and media releases typist and photocopyist’s runner, Selma Solfakash.
So Selma, how long have you been a member of the Internet Party?
SELMA: About three minutes. Long enough to have read the entire party manifesto, downloaded the members’ list and had three cigarettes.
SELMA: Only the surnames.
WWNews: Sounds perfect. Can you tell us about the unique and innovative candidate selection process that the IP has used to ensure it has the right people standing in the right electorates?
SELMA: No. But I do have the downlow on the faux talent quest the other day.
WWNews: That’ll have to do.
SELMA: It will. We’ve got nothing else. But anyway, we asked a whole bunch of people along to stand on stage and tell us why they thought they’d be ideal candidates for the Internet Party in the next election.
WWNews: Where did you find them?
SELMA: We didn’t. That’s the beauty of the Internet Party. We ask no questions, we just accept people at face value and their money at the current rate. So they simply turn up, pay the membership fee, swear on an old copy of the Hacker’s Guide not to tell us about anything that could compromise things and they’re in.
WWNews: That’s not standard practice is it?
SELMA: Apart from United Future, it actually is.
WWNews: So you got a broad range of applicants?
SELMA: In some respects yes. People from all walks of life, age ranges and genders, and a parrot called Edgar. He got through straightaway and is standing, or perching, in Waitakere.
WWNews: Against Paula Bennett?
SELMA: Not really. She’s actually quite friendly once you get to know her. Especially if you’re paying for the Midori shooters.
WWNews: You said ‘in some respects’ the range was quite broad. What were some of the similarities?
SELMA: They all wore black, spoke like extras in The Sopranos, claimed to be disenfranchised by all the other political parties although they couldn’t name more than two, had evidence they were being followed by the SIS and thought that high-speed internet was a basic human right.
WWNews: And is it?
SELMA: How else are you going to call in a UN Famine Relief Squad when you need one – by letter?
WWNews: You have a point. So, you have twenty or so wannabes – how will you whittle them down to the final line-up?
SELMA: Easy. We’re going to call them all back and get the audience to vote them off, one-by-one, until we have the final fifteen.
SELMA: More resigned, really. Then the hard work really begins.
WWNews: Inculcating them with the Internet Party ethos?
SELMA: No, keeping Kim off the dating sites.
WWNews: Selma Solfakash, thanks very much.
SELMA: Could I bludge a fag?