John Banks to stand down

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June 6, 2014 by Doug Coutts

harold lloyd 6Beleaguered careering politician John Banks has announced he is planning to stand down.

“I’ve been on this high horse long enough,” he told WWNews over a cup of tea on condition we didn’t stir anything.  ‘And the stipendiary stewards have informed me it’s not going to stand up to scrutiny much longer.  So I’ll get off it before it collapses under me.”

Banks, who continues to deny any wrongdoing when there’s even the remotest chance of weasily wording his way out of it, says he’ll stay in Parliament until the end of the current term.  “The fine people of Epsom elected me to do a job, and I’ve done one.  It might not be the one they asked me to do but a job’s a job. Ask anyone at potty time.”

The Prime Minister, John Keys, wouldn’t be drawn on Mr Banks’ immediate future as he was too busy to pose for the artist.(1)  Former Minister of Something Maurice Williamson said it was a sad day for politics.  “Bellamy’s is closed this week,” he sobbed.

In other news Dunedin MP Clare Curran (pictured left) has said she’ll sue her hairdresser, Shaz’Aa of Balclutha Cut & Dye Hard, for breach of ethics.10336625_10204078676670110_8702069691901602313_n  “My new do was supposed to be a unique original,” Ms Curran told WWNews “Then next thing you know I’m out glad-handing and speechifying and half the sound department has the same cut.  I was so shocked I had to stop my address at page 102.”  Shaz’Aa refused to comment but did offer a free coupon for a #3 and blow-wave through an intermediary.

To sports now and Team New Zealand (the boatie one) Head Grant Dalton has returned from another junket with a dire warning.  “If the Government doesn’t stump up with some cash real soon, I’ll be forced to trot out the old ‘NZ might be forced out of the next America’s Cup contest’ line,” he told a hastily arranged press conference.  “Oops, I already have.  So give us the money now and I’ll lay off the bullshit blackmailing. Anyway, everyone knows the Cup is good for business and gives boundless opportunities to unemployed people, like me and the Barkmeister.”

 

(1) Joke used before in WWNews issues 6, 27, 29, 60 & 124.
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