May 13, 2014 by Doug Coutts
Top-level Labour officials are pleased at the progress of their bold new initiative to lift the ailing party’s profile among middle-to-upper class New Zealanders by culling members who don’t sound that posh.
“We’ve done extensive research on public perceptivity around nomenclature,” chief strategist Don de Kurgler told WWNews after checking our birth certificates. “And like it or not, people tend to vote according on name rather than party affiliation or policy. So we are simply improving our chances of being the next government by ensuring we appeal to our core constituency – the nouveau riche, baby boomers who went to St Kentigern’s and Rangi Ruru, and television presenters.”
Under the new scheme anyone called Tyrone, Barry, Shinnaid or Deserae will be automatically barred from membership. Lists of existing members are being combed to weed out potentially non-attractive names, a process which is already achieving results according to de Kurgler.
“We started two-thirds of the way through the list to avoid arousing suspicion,” he said. “There was nothing under Q or R, but S proved problematic. We’re sorry to lose the Shanes, but what are you going to do? The country’s future is at stake.”
In other news, there’s been success too for a new Facebook petition. Started only yesterday, the petition calling for criminals, politicians and oligarchs to pay more attention to online petitions has already attracted over 64 likes and 37 shares. Petition organiser Dudley Throbworth said it was up to ordinary Facebook users like him to make the world a safer place. “If we don’t, who will?” he asked, hopefully in a rhetorical manner.
To the weather now, and showers are expected all over the country today, most often in bathrooms and gymnasia.