Dotcom outlines Internet Party policy

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March 27, 2014 by Doug Coutts

monkeys-and-typewritersKim Dotcom, leader of the Internet Party which is predicted to win previously safe Social Credit and Values seats in the next election, has announced several key party policies.

“We’ll have balloons and fairybread,” he told WWNews in an exclusive call over something looking like Skype Premium although it didn’t seem to cost anything. “And we’ll ask Lorde to sing our official song, because after all we have shifted more units of her music-like data than anyone else, not that we’re saying we have, especially not to her accountants.”

“Just joking,” Mr Dotcom added, thumbing idly through a first edition of the One Pol Pot Cookbook. “We have already some important policies drafted which I would like to outline. And then colour in,” he winked.

“First of all, in the area of health, we are planning to introduce important changes to the infrastructure. The Internet Party believes in everyone’s right to free health care with access to sponsored broadband,” Mr Dotcom declared. Under proposed new legislation, doctors’ surgeries, ambulances and Kosmic Kounters will be required to install uncapped wi-fi in all public spaces, and some private.

Mr Dotcom agreed that the Housing portfolio presented some challenges. “We will ensure that cheap, affordable and low-cost housing will be available to all, with ultra-fast broadband piped in free,” he said. “The only charge will be the rental for the connectors. And passwords for anything other than the Dunsandel Public Library catalogue.”

In Transport, the Internet Party plans to repeal the law forbidding texting and the use of mobile phones in cars, instead making it mandatory, and has big plans for Education. “We will drag schools into the information age,” Mr Dotcom said. “Kids will learn how to download music, movies and games at very fast speeds without anyone knowing.  This knowledge is better suited to 21st century living than learning history or ethics.”

Mr Dotcom was unable to comment further as he had other appointments. The Internet Party’s stance on Justice, Foreign Affairs and Immigration remains unclear.

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