March 19, 2014 by Doug Coutts
“We’re not exactly sure why the car stopped,” investigator Lou de Krisaidear told WWNews. “It may be alien abductivists at work, or it could be unknown terror squads, we’re not sure. But I’m willing to bet there is no obvious answer to this one, no sir.”
Already the Malaysian Prime Minister has announced he will be handling the investigation personally, assisted by some of the world’s finest tabloid sensationalist journalists and several dozen conspiracy theory bloggers. A spokesman for the PM said he was keeping an open mind although he would naturally be looking for answers outside of the envelope. “We will not be squaring the box this time,” the spokesman said. “Blue-sky thinking is what we need here at this moment.”
The driver of the car is in police custody, pending a full body search and forensic examination of his GPS app, according to police spokesman Snr Sgt Runnam Inanbookem. “The man is unable to state clearly whether his vehicle was hijacked or shot at by ground-to-air missiles,” he told WWNews. “He just keeps saying ‘The light was red’ over and over. Anal probes will do that to a person.”
Sources close to the investigation say more theories are being discovered by the hour, with some having a plausibility coefficient “in the high 0.0001s”. (Judith Collins is currently sitting on 0.000057, next door to Hekia Parata, to give you some idea.)
In other news, Kiwi singing sensation Lorde is refusing to let the activities of a small group of in-bred zealots impact on her career. “I’ve left Takapuna behind me,” she told WWNews. “Besides, I’ve got the Westboro Baptists to worry about.” Lorde has asked all her fans to wear rainbow-coloured clothing as this has been scientifically proven to ward off religious bigotry while making rainbow-coloured clothing manufacturers very rich.
To the weather now and the breeze formerly known as Cyclone Lusi is suing the NZ Meteorological Service for defamation, overstating the case and misrepresentation. No one from MetService was available for comment as there were delays in make-up and a lengthy wait for a go with the autocue.