March 14, 2014 by Doug Coutts
NZ Justice Minister Judith Collins has confirmed to WWNews that she has renewed her membership of the NZ Country Women’s Institute. “I re-signed for another year,” she said. “I felt it was the least I could do. And that’s what I’m good at.” Mrs Collins is expected to be reappointed as head of the Eye of Newt adjunct of the CWI, a position she’s held on and off for many years. The activities of the adjunct are not well-known as that’s the way she likes it.
In other news, weather presenters have been ravaged by overwrought clichés and dire predictions as some wind and rain occurs in parts of the country. Civil Defence spokesman Boyle Yaworter advises everyone to hunker down. “There’s a wave of hysteria building up and if it breaks, it’ll be worse than when the power went off for an hour last week. We’re looking at a one-in-a-hundred-years hyperbole deluge.”
(Older readers may recall TVNZ’s Simone Bradwell’s coverage of a hailstorm in which he described the cascade of “marbles the size of golfballs”. True story.)
Overseas now, and hundreds of 9/11 conspiracy theorists are being drafted in to help media outlets come up with possibly plausible explanations for the disappearance of that Malaysian Airlines plane. “We need all the input we can get,” Fox’s head of newsishness Lai Ng Bah Stitt told WWNews. “We seem to have alien abductions covered but we could do with some more expertise on ley-lines and NASA death-ray experiments.” Leader of the Conversative Party, Colin O’Skippie, said he was certain the accident was not an Act of God. “He moves in Mysterious Ways, not cattle-class,” he told WWNews through his lawyers.
To sports, where embattled or it could be beleaguered Hurricanes coach Mark Hammett thinks he might have found a way to reverse the ailing club’s current run of un-wins. “I’m talking to the coach of the Firebirds,” he said. (The Firebirds are Wellington’s highly-paid cricketing squad, also not winning a lot.) “Don’t interrupt with parentheticals,” he continued. “As I was saying, we’re going to swap squads. Neither of us can do any worse just now, and it’s crazy enough to… all right it’s not.”
Time for the weather, where strong winds are expected to buffet Auckland. Or you can order off the menu if you prefer.