March 1, 2014 by Doug Coutts
But in an address to the party faithful earlier today, ACT President Jamie Whyte outlined a new policy that will, should ACT ever be in a position to influence the Government apart from hinting at the possession of secret audio tapes, see sentences for burglary and theft given more weight than victimless crimes like murder and assault.
“In line with ACT’s basic tenet that property, and the accumulation of it, is the right of all New Zealanders of Anglo-Saxon heritage, we will make sure that anyone nicking it is held accountable, to the full extent of the law,” he said to tumultuous applause especially from his cousins and a great-uncle in the front row. “Accordingly, fence tagging and letterbox damaging will attract a minimum non-parole period of 12 years, and theft of high-end consumer goods will be a capital offence. Life should mean life, or in this case, death.”
Mr Whyte was at pains to explain that the definition of theft would not include redirection of clients’ trust funds or blue chip investments.
In other news, Madame Tussauds Beijing is to cease operating. Although it’s only been open a few short days, the Beijing branch of famous waxwork museum Madame Tussauds is closing its doors. “We’ve run out of stock,” spokesperson Sue Lai-Flaik told WWNews. “The UN is about to commence an inspection of the city’s prisons, and Government officials have been rushing in to requisition body parts right left and centre. There’s nought left.”
To sports and All Black captain and ubermensch Richie McCaw has broken his thumb. Coach Steve Hansen says McCaw will be placed on light duties until further notice. “He won’t be required to sing the National Anthem or even mime to it until it heals. We can’t take the risk.”
Time for the weather – and it’s the first day of Autumn. Or Fall if you’re American. Because the leaves fall off the trees, apparently. Then why don’t they call Winter Snow? Where’s the consistency?