February 26, 2014 by Doug Coutts
Famed former spin merchant Shane Warne has announced his split from erstwhile boon companion Liz Hurley, citing irreconcilable differences. “That means she dumped me, right?” he asked WWNews on condition we let him do a plug for Advance Australia Hair Plugs Inc later on. “Liz and I will always remain friends, perhaps with occasional benefits,” Mr Warne said. “And now that I’m single I’ll be able to spend more time skyping with my kids who have always been important to me.”
Ms Hurley was unable to comment as she hadn’t received the script in time. Mr Warne plans to return to his cricket commentary duties just as soon as he has another round of laser hair treatment. “It helps the glue to dry thoroughly,” he explained.
In other news, TVNZ celebrity stars have taken to the airwaves reading the worst texts and tweets they’ve ever received, to highlight cyber bullying. Afterwards, Peter Williams, 73, told WWNews it had been a harrowing experience. “Corin Dann took seventeen takes and made us all late, the muppet,” he said. “And then Helen Castles read out texts from her podiatrist by mistake. It got a bit farcical in the end.” A TVNZ spokesman denied claims that all the tweets were fakes written by staff members. “Oh, they were real all right,” he said, noting that a second series featuring texts and tweets from people outside TVNZ will screen next week.
According to today’s NZ Herlad, new Act Leader Jamie Whyte is standing by his comments that incestuous relationships between consenting adults should not be illegal. However, he told WWNews there are some things he draws the line at. “Morris dancing. And another series of Masterchef. When Act is in Government, they’re gone-burgers.”
In related news, the Electoral Commission has announced it will not employ Act members to count votes. “We require all staff to add up exclusively in base ten,” a spokesperson said. “That’s fingers and toes.”
To the weather now and the unsettled spell will continue, making most media companies wish they hadn’t laid off all their proof-readers.