February 17, 2014 by Doug Coutts
Prime Minister John Keys announced today he would not be pursuing his dream of designing a new flag for his adopted country New Zealand. “I’ve had a bit of a rethink,” he told WWNews exclusively on condition we stopped pluralising his surname. “I’ve decided it’s not in anyone’s interest, spiffily mine, to try and subvert election year with a cheap stunt aimed at getting millions in kickbacks from the All Black brand.” He said he would instead focus all our attention on the positive outcomes his government had achieved over the last six years.
In a separate statement, Mr Key_ announced that Brendon McCullum would receive a knighthood in the Queen’s Birthday Honours List.
In other news, Progressive Oppressors GMBH has denied reports it plans to dump Australian-made dairy products onto unsuspecting Kiwi supermarket shelves. “We are not dumping Australian milk, butter and cheese onto the New Zealand market in a blatant attempt to bankrupt Fonterra,” spokesperson Laus Leder told WWNews. “We are simply offering Kiwis the chance to buy imported goods at better than duty-free prices. Also we will be bringing in, from West Australia, freshly grown salad components. And that’s just the tip of the iceberg. Is good joke, ja?”
Mr Leder said sourcing more product from overseas was good news for local suppliers. “They won’t have to feel bullied or brow-beaten much longer.”
Elsewhere but staying local, scientists have discovered an elderly homeless man in South Auckland who has yet to receive a threatening letter from Colin Craig’s lawyers.
Scientists abroad have found that Bonobos, chimpanzee-like apes that look like chimpanzees only smaller, are able to tap their hairy little feet in time to the rhythm of a drum, and think that it won’t be long before they learn to read and write music, according to lead researcher Wai Tikoti. “Already two of the test group – Shaboeuf and DuLaLee – are showing so much promise they’ve been contracted to Lorde’s label,” she said. “This is a major breakthrough for us – although we did have some success back in the early seventies when one of our orangs wrote the lyrics for Smoke on the Water.”
To the weather now, and Auckland will be sunny and warm with a high of 26 and a low a bit lower than that. But not too much. You’ll be fine. The rest of the country… where’s that again?