February 14, 2014 by Doug Coutts
Following his accusations of under-hand tactics and supplier bullying by Australian supermarket giant Progressive Foods, Labour MP Shane Jones has hinted he has even more evidence of evil doings. “I might and I might not,” he told WWNews. “That’s not for me to say, unless I can do so under Parliamentary Privilege. Otherwise, all I can say is I may release some insinuations later.”
For the uninitiated or downright incredulous, Parliamentary Privilege is a centuries-old convention allowing MPs to make outlandish statements in the House without the risk of litigation. It is used rarely, usually in election year. While they are protected from having their pants sued off them, MPs still risk appearing risible in the eyes of all but the staunchest party hack, or young children. Under the age of 18 months. Who’ve been locked in a shed 24/7.
WWNews has obtained documents purporting to show that Countdown – the New Zealand subsidiary of Progressive Foods – has extended its bullying campaign beyond local suppliers to its loyal customer base. (By loyal we mean those who can’t be arsed driving to New World and are too embarrassed to be seen in PaknSave.)
In a three-page memo to store managers, Coundtown has suggested that all trolleys be checked to make sure that none has a single wobbly wheel. “In future, all trolleys are to have two wobbly wheels, preferably across the diagonal,” the memo says. In addition “trolley fronts are to be adjusted so that one no longer fits inside another. This has the advantage of impacting not only on our loyal customer base but also on trolley retrieval staff.”
The memo goes on to remind store staff to ensure that the voice prompt at self-checkouts – currently recorded by Julia Gillard – is on the correct volume and tone settings. “We suggest no lower than ‘shrill’ and somewhere between ‘impatience’ and disdain’,” the memo says.
The Prime Minister, St John Keys, had no comment to make on the leaked documents. “But what I will say,” he told WWNews before we had a chance to leave his office. “But what I will say is supermarkets are important to New Zealanders. That’s where they do their shopping, I’m told. I hate to think they’re being ripped off.” He added that he would stop thinking about it “in the very near future”.
Elsewhere in the world:
Belgium has expanded the eligibility range of its already liberal euthanasia laws – under new legislation, suggestion boxes will be sited in libraries, chocolate shops and bars. Especially bars.
Shapelle Corby has been warned she may jeopardise her parole if she bags the Indonesian Government, and the $3million from Channel 7 if she doesn’t.
And the English Chancellor of the Exchequer Sir Rich Toff-Bastard has told Scotland that if they persist in “this silly independence nonsense”, England will withdraw the use of the pound. Scotland is said to be unperturbed – according to a spokesman “all our wee doggies have a hame of their ain anyway”.
To the weather now, and it’s going to be fine. No, really. It’ll be fine. Except in the UK, where if you’re going outside in the rain, take a Mac. That’s in Scotland – in Northern Ireland, take an O’.
Please note: The owners of WWNews have decided to not mention Lorde in a shameless attempt to increase readership.