Wellington’s Westpac Stadium, affectionately known as the Cake-tin or That Place Drunk Teenagers Go to Upchuck on Oldies, has announced the results of a re-branding exercise that it plans to put into effect immediately.
“We’ve been concerned for some time over dwindling spectator numbers,” stadium spokesperson Felice da Puntas told WWNS. “It seemed that lowering ticket prices while providing better, and cheaper, food and beverage choices was the standout option, so we were forced to look for others.”
Three teams of consultants spent several weeks analysing the issues and proposing solutions before the stadium team went with its gut instinct anyway, Ms da Puntas said. “We knew what we wanted to achieve, but it was good to get confirmation that we might sort of almost be somewhere near the right track if a little perpendicular.”
Work has already started on changing the familiar yellow seating. “We’re changing the base colour to grey,” Ms da Puntas explained. “It will look better on television – instead of seeing obviously empty seats, viewers at home should assume the stadium is full of Wellingtonians.”
Seating angles will be altered as well: instead of all facing towards the centre, seats will be grouped around tables to help spectators interact more efficiently with their friends. “We know people come to our venue to socialise,” Ms da Puntas said. “This is a way to help them do that in an effective manner.”
Should spectators, or clients as the stadium now calls them, wish to keep up with the progress of activities on the ground, renamed GamesSpaceCentral, an app is available for either IOS or Android. And long queues for a single brand of warm beer or soggy chips will be a thing of the past. “Having tables means we can offer table service,” Ms da Puntas said. “Clients will be able to use the app to not only keep tabs on the game but to order from our extensive menu of quality Tui beer and pommes frites de hier.”
The four drinks per person limit will no longer apply. “We think it discriminated against people who forgot or were unable to preload beforehand,” Ms da Puntas explained.
Along with the radical reconfiguration comes a name change for the stadium. “We wanted a name that better reflects our core business,” Felice da Puntas said. The new Railway Tavern will open for business next Saturday with a sell-out crowd expected, although Ms Da Puntas was unable to say what, if any, sporting fixture will take place.
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