Dotcom Party Outlines Policies

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January 16, 2014 by Doug Coutts

 

New Zealand’s newest political tour de force, Kim Dotcom’s Internet Party Featuring Kim Dotcom Did I Mention Kim Dotcom?, has released details of several key policy areas ahead of its official launch in a sleazy Auckland bar next week.

The main thrust is to ensure all New Zealanders have access to fast and cheap internet.  “Fast and cheap is how we do things around here,” Mr Dotcom told WWNews live by satellite from his Hummer parked in our reception area.  “And we believe everybody has the right to access my site and download things that I wouldn’t know were there as quickly as they can, before anyone gets charged. I mean overcharged.”

Another sure-fire vote catcher is the free-parking platform.  “We want anyone to able to park for free on platforms, footpaths, pedestrian crossings and courtroom vestibules,” Mr Dotcom explained.  “The only proviso is they must be driving a Hummer, wear black clothing and have an entourage of university graduates with sloping foreheads and tattoos.”

Credibility and integrity are two vitally important concepts, Mr Dotcom says.  “In fact they are so important, we have decided to leave them out of the manifesto completely rather than risk compromising them.”

The official KDIPFKDDIMKD party launch is on Monday and will be held at the prestigious Fort Street Pole Dancerama nightclub.  Media interest is reaching frenzied levels with many bloggers leaking rather than leave their keyboards and risk missing something.  Reports that a giant advertising blimp is being prepared at the Dotcom mansion have been discounted by Mr Dotcom himself.  “It voss chust me ketching a few rays poolside,” he laughed, doing his renowned Schwarzenegger impression.

Prime Minister John Keys says it’s too early to contemplate a coalition with the Dotcom party.  “It depends on a lot of factors,” he told WWNews.  “They might win enough seats to govern alone.  People believed in National’s policies, twice, so anything’s possible.”

The general election is expected to be held in November this year, unless the ballot boxes are sold before then.

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