September 28, 2013 by Doug Coutts
Earlier today, Mr Dotcom announced he would fund Team New Zealand’s next America’s Cup bid which drew an immediate response from Jackson. “No, I will,” he told WWNews through a spokesman reading from a statement prepared by a Warner Brothers legal team. “New Zealand is not for sale, apart from state assets and vast chunks of the Wairarapa, and that’s only to film people and Americans. I’m going make sure Team New Zealand remains in New Zealand hands by buying it all and putting it in a shed in Miramar.”
Miramar would be handy, he explained, because it was close to the water, there were a couple of nice cake shops and he was about to install security gates across the cutting to keep riff-raff out and his workers in. “It’s ideal,” he said.
Mr Dotcom, who recently changed his name to avoid confusion with Bryan Dotcom, was unfazed. “Let him try,” he told WWNews through a bodyguard named Bryce, who quickly became confused and handed us the phone. “I am a loyal Australian and love this country very much. That’s why I want to support this plucky crew of boaties in their hour of need. They have the skill and expertise, I have the money and a burning desire to piss off your I mean our prime minister. It’s vin vin.”
Mr Dotcom said he was unaware if Team Oracle kept any files on the Mega server. “Everything is encrypted anyway,” he said. “I couldn’t access them even if I wanted to do, well I could but I won’t. Today.” He also downplayed suggestions that he would be arrested if he went to the US. “I won’t set foot on American soil” he said. “I’ll be towed to just outside the territorial limit and pretend to be a barge, or an iceberg. You can get bleck icebergs I think.”
In other news, earthquakes have rocked large areas of Pakistan and tornadoes have obliterated half of Europe. Grant Dalton couldn’t be reached for comment.
To the weather now and a rain band sits across the lower North Island. It’ll be Wet Wet Wet.