September 24, 2013 by Doug Coutts
Feisty little yachting nation Sponsor Having Second Thoughts Team New Zealand will be making some changes to its team overnight in the hope of staving off defeat in the America’s Cup. While most positions on the boat itself are secure, thanks in part to new Velcro with a peanut slab motif, many of the back-up onshore crew are being asked to lift their game or play somewhere else.
“For example, there’s a bloke in Johnsonville who’s refusing to wear the magic socks, so he’s gone,” TMZ CEO and once potentially KCMG ONZ Grant Dalton told WWNews on condition we bought some fundraising chocolates. “I expect total commitment or don’t come Monday.” Mr Dalton said he was also looking at an apartment in inner-city Auckland “where the occupants don’t seem to be cheering as loud as they could.”
Mr Dalton said the win had become even more important since the news last week that the minimum age for pensions was unlikely to be lowered as had been suggested by maverick MP Peter Dunne. Mr Dalton said the impact would be widely felt. “Since I’ve now got another ten years of grinding and making up hokey aphorisms left in me, two more America’s Cup campaigns would get me through quite well.”
In related news New Zealand looks set to lose its status as Pluckiest Little Country Boxing Above Its Weight. Competition convener Oslo-based Smol Manzindrum said in a press release that while New Zealand was first to conquer Everest, give votes to ladies, split the atom and put electric street lighting in a small town in the wops, in recent years it had failed to deliver. “They’ve all been a bit slack recently,” he told WWNews in an exclusive reading of the press release. “Only one Booker winner, no real Oscars for a while and now they can’t even win a boat race. Unless they can come up with something out of the box soon, we’ll give the title to someone else.” Malta, Niue and Las Malvinas are current front-runners, with Iceland making a late surge thanks to the pity vote and Vatican City disqualified due to historical cheating charges.
In other still-related news, it’s been revealed that some people are hanging on commentator Peter Lester’s every word. Others are jumping off bridges or throwing themselves under buses.
To the weather and it’s going to be gloom all over the country for the rest of eternity.