September 17, 2013 by Doug Coutts
Peter Lester, TVNZ’s America’s Cup commentator and former Head of Erudition at Gore Intermediate, has been arrested in San Francisco and charged with assault, a police spokesman told WWNews tonight. The complainant, 483-year-old English Language, told investigators she’d been abused, battered, mauled, chewed up and even spat out over the course of several months, and accused TVNZ executives of turning a deaf ear. TVNZ’s chief apologist Lila Lyrapantsonfire denied the allegations in a brief written statement: “You’re facts are wrong. If we’d became aware we would of done something.” Head of the LA Crime Squad, Detective Raleigh Winnerby-Enacta, said his team was taking the allegations seriously. “Which is more than most people do with Peter,” he chortled.
In other news, celebrity celebrity Sally Ridge is suing former fiancé Adam Parore over the disappearance of money she got from her previous famous sportsman consort. “It’s all gone,” she sobbed through a spokesperson. “The money, the jewellery, the credibility – I have nothing left.” Women’s magazines, normally keen to pay for stories like this, are said to be holding back until Ms Ridge moves on from her current beau, indoor bowls champion Holden Schott, or he gets his teeth fixed.
New Zealand Ltd’s CEO John Keys confirmed yesterday he’ll push ahead with downsizing and retrenchment of many of the company’s departments. “Storsenproppy will go soon because we can outsource that for cheaper,” he told WWNews exclusively on the condition we bought a box of pens and an old stapler. “And we’re looking at getting rid of the heating ducts, as summer’s on its way.” Mr Keys deflected criticism because he said he has a mandate, although he asked us not to tell Bronagh. “She thinks he’s a persil drainer.”
In sports, rugby referees are complaining about the media’s reporting of recent games. “They keep saying we’re awarding yellow cards,” spokesman Bill Sinwissles tweeted to WWNews. “That’s not true. We’re giving yellow cards for sure, but not awarding them. Awards are for good people, and famous sporting heroes as well. I wish sometimes these journalists would think before they type.”
To the weather now and there’ll be cloud everywhere, bad news indeed for hard-drive retailers.