September 9, 2013 by Doug Coutts
New Zealand’s America’s Cup hopes lie in dashed tatters resembling smithereens today after Dean Barker failed to maintain his winning streak. Already commentators are calling for his replacement, with former sailor-turned-tv-host Chris Dickson tipped as leading contender. “He might have been a traitor once,” incomprehensible comments person Peter Lester told WWNews on condition we stopped texting him to ask exactly what he means by most of what he says. “But he’s not as much of a traitor as Russell Coutts, and the only other available traitor Brad’s too fat these days.”
Chris Dickson, becoming well-known for his TVNZ drag yachting match analysis ad-glibs, denied he’d been approached. “I’m so tied up with being who am I I don’t notice anyone else,” he dead-panned, although his eyes looked slightly panicky. “Anyway, tomorrow’s another day,” he opined.
In other news, Pacific Island communities are unlikely to support Labour’s Grant Robertson because of his sexual orientation, according to some media commentators.
“The Pacific Island communities are quite conservative,” media commentator Ivana Puttmy-Orin told WWNews on condition we quoted her. “They don’t like the gay thing. If he wasn’t in a same sex-relationship it would be different. They think he should settle down with a nice fa’afafine girl.”
Grant Robertson was unavailable for comment, unlike Shane Jones. Sadly.
Back with sport and Olympic organisers at outraged at the re-inclusion of wrestling in the 2020 Games in Tokyo. “We thought we’d seen the end of traditional events,” media manager Ko Sponcer told WWNews on condition we stop with the condition shtick. “We didn’t fight tooth and fake nail to get beach volleyball, sevens and pasty-twirling into the games so we could take a backward step like this. Unless there’s jelly involved.” Ms Spencer repeated assurances that all field events would be phased out by 2014, with the exception of those whose participants had signed the clothes-optional clauses.
BREAKING NEWS: ZOOM LENSES TO BE BANNED IN GREYMOUTH
MORE BREAKING NEWS: SEVEN SHARP. Well, it’s sort of broken.