5-year passports to be phased out

Perimeter fence and watchtower, Vorkuta Gulag

New Zealand’s newly appointed CEO, John Keys, has announced 5-year passports will be phased out.

“They’ve been causing some controsophy,” Mr Keys mumbled to WWNews on condition we didn’t mock his speeching peppermint.  “Some people have worked out they’re really only valid for four and a half years and have surmised, rightly or wrongly, it’s a rort.  So we’re getting rid of them. And those pesky passports too.”

Mr Keys said passports would be replaced by staff ID cards with a magnetic strip and all airports would have one of those swipey things on each air-bridge as would car-park buildings, public bars and pedestrian crossings.  “This is in line with our plan to run Newzind like a business,” he said.

A draft plan leaked by the manager of Corporate Affairs, G Brownlee, sets out the changes – WINZ will be known as HR, the DHBs will downscale to run coin-operated sickbays and new-borns will be have a 90-day trial period.  “If things don’t work out, from either side’s perspexive, they’ll be free to go their separate ways,” Mr Keys smiled.  “It’s a no-fault win-win system that will soon be the envy of the civilised world, or China, whichever’s the biggerest.”

The President of the new PlunketCorp, Di Poacheynge, said her organisation was right behind the bold initiative, although she was expecting some teething problems.

In other news Once Was Education Minister Hekia the Muss has defended the axing of Learning Media, formerly the Government’s preferred supplier of books and other boring stuff.  “The current education model has no need of reading materials,” she told WWNews on condition we didn’t mock her inability to answer our, or anyone’s, questions.  “We haven’t been teaching kids to read for years, preferring to encourage them to do it for themselves through the clever use of discarded newspapers and lotto tickets.  That will better prepare them for life under the JohnKeyLead (JKPb) Government where everyone is valued, in a large spreadsheet somewhere at GCSB HQ.”

Radio New Zealand’s new CEO, Sam Bloe-Quiniverherdov, has already made sweeping changes at Wellington’s Broadcasting House.  The cleaners will get a new broom and will work in an anticlockwise direction.

In Sports, while the America’s Cup is one step closer to being New Zealand’s Cup again it’s not really a sport is it? It’s a rich man’s game, much like the All Blacks and being Prime Minister.

To the weather now and temperatures look set to continue for a good while yet as the sun shows no sign of going out.


Categories: In Breaking News

2 replies

  1. Gidday Doug always enjoyed your work in On Film, and glad to see we share a perspective on our Leadership

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