May 10, 2013 by Doug Coutts
Self-styled maverick MP and intensely boring person to everyone else Aaron Gilmore looks set to keep his fleshy mottled snout a-snuffle in the public trough for at least another 16 months as Prime Minister John Keys refuses to fire him.
“I can’t sack him,” he told WWNews through an interpreter (a kid from Johnsonville Remedial School with adenoids and a Croatian accent). “It’s got nothing to do with the risk of him staying as an independent and reducing my majority to a dangerously low figure, it’s because I’ve seen who’s next on the party list. Frankly, we were scraping the bottom of the barrel five resignations/defections ago; Aaron was so far under the barrel bottom it wasn’t funny. And he still isn’t.”
Mr Keys says the public will soon forget about the Gilmore debacle. “Banksie will deflect the heat for a while and if that doesn’t work, Dotcom’s in the wings and I’m sure we can dig up something on Russel Norman.”
In related news McDonald’s is denying reports they’re pursuing Mr Gilmore to be proud sponsor of its new Georgie Pie. “Sure, he’s pasty, greasy, flabby and of little real substance,” McDonald’s spokesperson Duane Fry-Swithatt told WWNews. “But we’re waiting to hear from the Seven Sharp presenters. [Pasty, Greasy and Flabby. Geddit?] If they don’t sign, we might consider Aaron. If he does something with his hair.”
In sports, Manchester United says Wayne Rooney is not for sale. They’ll consider a straight swap for two planks or a pile of pig manure.
To the weather and an icy front is sweeping up from Antarctica this evening. A warm back is unlikely.