April 28, 2013 by Doug Coutts
“Mally offered to run everything for me and I foolishly agreed,” he told WWNews on condition we didn’t breathe or try to touch him. “But it became apparent after a few weeks he just wasn’t up to the task. So reluctantly I’ve had to fire him.”
Mr Bieber said his former manager had allowed the normally tight ship to drift on a sea of moral turpitude, or he would have said that if he’d stayed in school past kindergarten. What he actually said was the manager had stuffed everything up, missed crucial appointments and made a complete mess of the tour bus, even eating Bieber’s entire stock of hair product.
“We made the decision to part company in Germany,” Mr Bieber said. “I’m sure he’ll find another job, or perhaps he’ll just get euthanised.”
The former manager was unavailable for comment as he was otherwise occupied checking his groin for fleas.
In other news, the South Island has just made the digital switchover, meaning all the crap they watched in grainy analogue is now crystal clear, with many more channels of the same sort of crap to flick through before deciding to go to the pub. Where they can watch on the Big Screen.
Selwyn District Council is advising residents to boil their water. “It’s a common-sense thing really,” spokesperson Tilly Cowescamb-Holme said. “Otherwise the tea leaves just float on the top.”
To the weather now and there’s a storm warning in place for areas of Southland. TVNZ weatherman Jim Huckey says locals should ensure their smartphones are fully charged so they can get footage of the neighbour’s roof being blown across the street and send it to him so he can waffle on across three commercial breaks.