Feeding patients not frontline service, says dandy

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April 16, 2013 by Doug Coutts

Dandy - NARA - 530584

The Minister for Health and Fashion Advice Eschewal, Tony Ryall, says his plan to close hospital kitchens and instead provide patients with boil-in-bag tucker prepared earlier in Cairo will save $10 million, or roughly the cost of selling the crackpot idea to the public.

“Providing patients with fresh healthy food to aid their recovery is back office, not frontline,” he repeated over and over until he almost had WWNews staff believing it, but not quite. “The money saved by sending in packed lunches made in a single kitchen outsourced to Pyongyang, which just require 2 minutes on high and 30 seconds of standing time, will be ploughed back into frontline resources, such as remedial nutritional advice.”

Next on the Ryall not-frontline list are pills. “Pills are nasty little round things that are forever getting lost and are expensive to produce,” he shouted over his tie and shirt combo. “So we’ll be doing away with those, concentrating instead on good old-fashioned sound advice and DIY pamphlets. That will get patients out of bed sooner, meaning considerable savings which we can then plough back into frontline services like mortuary equipment.”

Under Mr Ryall’s plan the health sector is expected to shed nearly two hundred thousand hospital beds a year, which means a bigger shed will be needed on the run-up to the next election. “And having patients on their feet has been shown to shorten recovery times, or lifespan. Either way, it’s a win for us.”

To the weather now, and it’s going to be raining all over Thailand which means if you’re going in to Middlemore for surgery tomorrow your weetbix will be a bit soggy.

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