No news is good news, or at least it won’t make you shout at the telly

Christchurch Now & Then #10

Striking production workers at WWNews’s Johnsonville facility have agreed to go back to work after a last-minute appeal from the neighbours. “Get back inside or we call the cop,” said one. “Your stinking chickens ate my pile of old tyres,” said another. Spokesperson for the workers, Bill Stilter-Pei, said the decision to return to work was not an easy one to make. “We believe we had other options,” he told the other neighbour, the one who was still talking to him. “But at the end of the day, it’s evening.”

In related news a keyboard fault is causing frustration in the typesetting department. For some reason the “ and the @ keys have swapped around so when anyone hits @ they get “ and vice versa. @It’s really pissing me off,@ said one staffer who refused to be named but has the email address stumpy”hotmail.

Elsewhere in LaLa Land the Prime Minister, John Keys, is still convinced running a country is just like running a business. “Sure, there are a few differences,” he told WWNews on condition he wrote the questions three weeks ago. “The main one is that in the corporate world, the comms people aren’t a wilful bunch of hotheads with their own agendas and incapable of sticking to the party line or believing everything I say, like what I just said was off the cuff and in my own words.” The PM’s own comms people have suggested he retire his reliable old standby “No, but what I can say…” and just shut the fuck up for a while so they can shift the blame back onto John Banks, or until the Labour back bench erupts in another sex scandal.

In sports, rugby’s glamour boy* Ma’a Nonu is facing a lengthy suspension from the game after been cited on two counts after last night’s match against some other team in the largely irrelevant Super-anumberbiggerthan12 marketing event. The first count – shoulder-barging poor defenceless Piri Weepu – could see him side-lined for between two minutes and three games depending on how bad the ratings are, while the other – shaving his eyebrows – should get him banned from going out in public forever.

*in much the same way Susan Devoy is a pin-up girl for the Left.

To the weather now, and the cold chill sweeping the country is less to do with the southerly than the realisation that the Nats still have another year in office and the best Labour can come up with is slagging them off. Oh, to be a godwit.


Categories: In Breaking News

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