March 30, 2013 by Doug Coutts
In a surprise raid this morning London time, police swooped on the houses of anyone who ever appeared on British television in the 60s, 70s, 80s and 2007, arresting everyone in sight on suspicion of being involved in something dodgy.
Det. Chief Insp. D Dardeedardee defended the wide net policy saying it was safer to arrest a lot of innocent people than let them go free. “Once we’ve got ‘em down the nick, they’ll all start singing like canaries and no mistake,” he told WWNews on condition we provided him with a list of people involved with TV One’s Entertainment dept. during the 75-87 boom years. “It’s a well-known fact within the force that sexual deviants are unable to hold a tune, so we’ll soon be able to sort the wheat from those who sowed their wild oats in an inappropriate manner.”
The ongoing investigations have sent shock-waves through the UK entertainment industry, with many of its stars seeking legal advice. Virgil, Scott and Sooty are alleged to have already fled abroad to a destination with no extradition treaties.
In other news, relieved shoppers were ecstatic to find gardening shops around the country had defied the law and had opened on Good Friday, traditionally the only day of the year people are able to buy shrubs, gazebos and battery hedge trimmers that conk out as soon as you hit a twig thicker than dental floss. Owner of Bushy Parts Garden Haven Mac Rowe-Carper said risking the $1000 fine made good business sense. “We get a lot of people through the gate who wouldn’t normally come through the gate if the gate was closed as it should be, but more importantly we get more column inches in the papers and on the telly than if we actually paid for advertising. So it’s whinge-win.”
Apparently garden centres didn’t make as much money this Good Friday because the drought has put people off buying greenery, although quarries and cement works reported a marked increase in business.
Speaking of business, and news, beleaguered firms Zespri, Fonterra and Solid Energy have laid the blame for their continued misfortunes at the feet of their marketing departments. “They made us have these stupid names,” Zespri spokesman Paul Orlervinesout told WWNews. “No one takes us seriously. What’s Zespri got to do with Chinese gooseberries? Fonterra is a total concoct and Solid Energy, well WTF? If they’d stuck with NZ Coal, they wouldn’t be in this mess.” Staff at the Los Angeles-based name-thinking-up consultancy responsible, Zither Leaf Mould Inc, declined to comment as they were too busy trying to spend the cash.
To the weather now, and it looks like rain, feels like rain but is actually overflow from an Airbus. So take a bigger brolly.