Front page depression deepens

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March 26, 2013 by Doug Coutts

retarded_tabloid_headlines_09Newspaper front pages around the world are becoming increasingly depressed as editors move away from traditional news stories, opting instead for feel-good women’s glossy style features and community notices.

Spokessheet for the United Union of Combined Front Pages Colin Minches told WWNews the organisation was becoming concerned at the increasing lack of real news spread across the membership. “It used to be a major news item and two or three other smaller ones, along with an ad for haemorrhoid cream,” he said. “Now all we get is a colour photo of a celebrity or plucky pensioner plus a bit of made-up political scandal. We’re feeling devalued – it’s as if the front page has become a mere cover.”

Chairman of the World Press Barons’ Cartel, Rufus Fairdoch, denied there was a sinister motive in the changing layouts. “No, I wouldn’t read anything into that,” he said. “In fact, you’d be hard pressed to.” He said that if front pages were feeling the pressure, they could always seek medical assistance. “The company doctor, once he’s freed on bail, would just advise them to keep taking the tabloids,” he guffawed.

Colin Minches said the press baron’s stance was predictable and typical of the way business people are putting profit ahead of maintaining traditions that have stood the test of time but are quickly disappearing. “These days, when someone yells ‘hold the front page’ it’s because it needs a cuddle,” he added.

In other news, an eighty year-old invalid beneficiary is barring no holds and revealing all in a tell-tale autobiography to be published soon. Sarah Deckter-Interhice says her years at Maymorn’s Vincent Ward Retirement Village were a roller-coaster ride of late night shenanagins and drug use. “The things we did with pessaries,” she tried to tell WWNews but we had an urgent appointment elsewhere. “And I’ve got pictures,” she yelled. [See photos on pages 3-17 or go to pInterest to see them unblurred. But don’t. Trust us.]

In sports, despite what Craig MacMillan says (which is just what Ian Smith says but a few seconds later and with many more splutterings and mangled vowels), the Black Caps yet again managed to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory – as we knew they would. Still, it’ll be knighthoods all round, especially as it’s election year soon.

To the weather, and tomorrow it’s going to be fine out, so leave it out all day. But don’t forget the sunblock.

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