Black Caps upset England

The Barmy Army and police at The Gabba, Novemb...

But not as much as they upset New Zealand fans of cricket. And they haven’t really upset the English, more annoyed them by failing to put up a fight which means the game will be over in three days and all the Barmy Army wives will have a couple of extra shopping days and, by gum, if that won’t make a dent in the wallet my name’s not Whacko Burton-Finchley.

In other news, he’s only been pope for two days but already they’ve found evidence of child sex and infidelity. The new Pope Frank’s first girlfriend has been located and what’s she’s been saying is not pretty. Until she puts her teeth in. It seems Frank, or little Jorge, or Jorgelito, asked her to marry him and she turned him down. So there’s not really a hint of sex, or infidelity, or even a story anywhere but that won’t stop Murdoch. Or Fox.

Water restrictions are on the increase throughout the North Island, with a total ban on hand-held watering. So if your lemon tree is starting to wilt, you’re going to have to squat. On the upside, that’ll make you less obvious to the neighbours.

The Government is sending Minister of Arts, Culture and Heritage Chris Finlayson to the inauguration mass of Pope Francis in Rome next week. A devout politician, Minister Finlayson says his trip is totally within his remit as Minister of Arts. “I went to the Hobbit premiere, I’d like to point out” he points out. “Papism is much the same, without the wage bargaining. And the special effects are almost as good.”

Samsung has announced its latest phone, the Galaxy S5. Along with forward, reverse and sideways cameras, the phone offers a built-in live choir to handle ring-tones and an auto-detect for nuisance calls whereby the caller’s phone explodes sending shards of metals into his bastard ear. The display is said to contain 10.3 gazillion pixies, who’ll be goblin up battery time in sprite of everything.

Time for the weather and it’ll rain. It always does. So shut up.


Categories: In Breaking News

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