March 12, 2013 by Doug Coutts
(From our special correspondent in Buenos Aires, Juan Finca-Taipesta)
In what’s been described as the most narrowest of wins, the residents of Las Malvinas have voted to stay in the British Empire. About 92 percent of the islands’ 1,672 eligible voters turned out to the polling booths just hours ago, with the island’s three intellectuals voting to re-join the Motherland but just a handful more wanting to stick with the brutish British regime.
Political commentators say the outcome would have been much different had islanders been allowed access to Argentinian television rather than the decades-old episodes of Coro St and Dad’s Army freighted out every few months. The British Government’s bribing of OE-seeking islanders with the promise of jobs in the burgeoning motor vehicle manufacturing industry was also said to be a factor. Meanwhile, Argentinian food technologists are working on perfecting a deep-frying technique for chocolate coated guinea pigs in an effort to sway future voters.
In other news, there have been no puffs of white smoke emanating from the Papal chimney in the last few minutes, although a wispy purple cloud did excite onlookers earlier today. Vatican sources later revealed a fart-lighting escapade had gone “horribly wrong”. And, while the same sources have said that who’ll be the next Pope is “anyone’s guess”, anyone doesn’t include Richard Dawkins.
To the weather and all New Zealand is now officially a drought zone. Until the next shower, when Auckland will become a flood-hit crisis area.