March 11, 2013 by Doug Coutts
The Prime Minister of Auckland and Outlying Wealthy Suburbs, John Keys, has confirmed he will seek another term. “I’m tired of carpet-bagger and smarmy little arsewipe,” he told WWNews via a skype call with an intermediary called Carlos. “I’d like something else.”
Sources close to the PM (said to be fed up with being called toadies and sycophants) have indicated a competition will be run on Facebook and twitter to come up with a suitable term to describe Mr Keys. Winners will receive petrol vouchers or shares in the newly privatised government department of their choice, along with a promise they’ll never have their photo taken with the PM.
In other news, media darling Anna Guy has confirmed she will seek the approval of the Vatican Conclave to become the next Pope. “I’ve been advised I have the necessary skills,” she told WWNews after we mortgaged the office building to pay her fee. “I smile all the time, look holier than thou and have a dodgy background. Plus I look great in white and purple.” Ms Guy said the trials and tribulations of her traumatic past had given her new strengths. “After being slobbered on by Duncan Garner, the Papacy will be a breeze.”
Meanwhile over at the Novopay Corral, the Government is putting on more staff to sort the mess out. Increasing the number working on the problem from 40 to 100 will cost around $5 million but Minister in Charge of Fixing His Colleagues’ Snafus, Stephen Joyce, says finding the money will be no problem. “We were planning on reducing the number of teachers, schools and milk monitors anyway,” he said.