February 28, 2013 by Doug Coutts
It’s advertised as a game of chance with odds so astronomical you’re more likely to get a complete sentence from the Prime Minister than win fifth division. And yet each week, hundreds of thousands of New Zealanders queue for hours behind some pillock who’s checking six years of lucky dips all at once, in the vain hope of striking it lucky, winning big or at least getting enough cash to avoid having to write clichés ever again.
And it’s all for nought. Winning Lotto, or even Big Wednesday, has nothing to do with chance, or statistics or the luck of the draw. Whether you win or not depends on how badly you’ve pissed off the Lotto God.
Up until now, appeasing the Lotto God has always been a bit of a lottery. There have never been any clear-cut rules of what, or more importantly what not, to do to keep LG onside and make sure Power Ball has your number on it.
But things have changed. There’s been a reshuffle at LG HQ and the veil of secrecy has been lifted. Not all the way, mind you, but just enough to afford punters a peek at Lady Luck’s ankle.
It’s simple really. All you have to do is follow a few easy-to-remember rules and riches might not actually be yours but you’ll feel you‘re better off than before.
1. Be Consistent. The Lotto God doesn’t like it when you change from pick-your-own numbers to a lucky dip and back again. Stick with one or the other. Chopping and changing is a sign of weakness, and weak people aren’t wealthy people. Just ask anyone at the Chamber of Commerce.
2. Be Loyal. The Lotto God is not a big fan of people who hedge their bets with a scratchy on the side. If you want to win Lotto, play Lotto – that’s His Motto. If you don’t want to win on that Lotto ticket you just picked up, buy a $3 Crossword with the change. To make really sure you’re not going to win, stop off at the TAB on the way out of the mall. And buy a raffle ticket at the school gala on the morning of the $35million must-go jackpot. Find out the hard way.
3. Be Nice. The Lotto God understands your frustration with the person in front of you whose dog-eared ticket won’t go through the machine. He knows that paying by eftpos just holds everyone else up. And He’s made sure the printer will run out of paper just as you reach the counter. These are all tests. If you can’t stay calm and be polite when you’re in the Lotto shop, how are you going to cope with all that money? The old “I won’t let riches change me” line has just come back to bite you, hasn’t it?
4. Be Realistic. The Lotto God cares for His people, the ones at the Lotteries Commission. He wants them to prosper. And they won’t if everyone keeps winning. So He’s made it just a little bit harder so you’ll keep buying tickets and all the shiny-arsed pencil-pushers at the Commission can shop at Moore-Wilsons and drink at the Malthouse for as long as possible. You wouldn’t really begrudge them that, would you?
So there you have it – four simple steps to appease the Lotto God and be in with a chance. And as we all know, a chance would be a fine thing.