February 25, 2013 by Doug Coutts
After a standing-room-only sell-out party conference in a cupboard somewhere north of Auckland, the ACT party has emerged slightly rumpled but re-energised according to its parliamentary wing (and scrum and physio) John Banks. “We are going to be a force to be-reckoned with,” he told the party faithful, a dobermann called Snuggles. “We are going into the next election intending to win a majority and govern on our own.” One of Mr Banks’ first jobs as Prime Minister will be to establish a branch of Solid Energy on the Moon. “We believe the current coal-mining technology can be adapted to extract green cheese which can be on-sold at a profit,” he said as Snuggles licked his private parts and scratched behind his ears.
Staying with politics, the Labour leader David Shearer has reshuffled his cabinet, putting the Milo on the top shelf with the cups and glasses while the Equal goes down below with the vanilla wine biscuits. Trevor Mallard is said to be eyeing the speaker’s role, although if the turntable became vacant he wouldn’t say no.
The country’s hair and nail salons are predicting a dire future since the Hobbit failed to win an Oscar in that category today. “We were hoping for a flood of people coming to Middle Earth to get a perm and polish,” whined Shannelle Nimmer-Fife, owner of GlammaRUs Studios. “But that’s not going to happen anytime soon now is it? Thanks Peter Jackson, thanks a bunch.” Other industries set to miss out are fake rain manufacturers and mousepad emporia. Trisha’s Pies is doing well though, thanks to Sir Peter choosing to stay in Miramar.
In sports, Sonny Will Billiams’ debut with the Roosters is expected to be a sell-out, much like the man himself. The game’s second half is likely to be several minutes shorter than the first as well.
To the weather now and the weather looks like staying put for now. And then some. It’ll probably even outlast John Keys.