February 19, 2013 by Doug Coutts
Rancid eyeballs, rotting teeth and sagging ciggies will no longer be pictured on cigarette packets, thanks to a bold Government initiative that will see plain packaging introduced, once the tobacco companies are bought off. Government sources suggest that the combined costs of lawsuits and compo will be about the same as the price of running Auckland Hospital’s Chest Clinic for 253 years.
Associate Health Minister Tariana Turia was unavailable for comment due to the microphone being set too high, but the Prime Minister said that plain pack tobacco was just the start. “We have plans to introduce plain packaging for beer and wine at a later date,” Mr Keys told WWNews exclusively as long as we promised to tidy up his verbal stumbles. “Then we’ll look at school uniforms and Christmas wrap.”
Staying with politics although he’s not, MP Charles Chauvel has announced he’s leaving Parliament to take up a position with the UN. A list MP, Mr Chauvel stood unsuccessfully for the Ohariu electorate in 2011, where he was known by locals as The Doctor – not because he was a GP but because everyone said “Charles Who?” Mr Chauvel explained he had spent little time in Newlands and Johnsonville only because of his Mercedes convertible’s large turning circle which made negotiating difficult.
The Tongan Police Dept has admitted to the wiping of several criminal records. Det Snr Sgt Yuri Nict said his team had taken three Yes albums and the complete set of Justin Beiber and cleaned all the cigarette burn marks off them.
A look at the ten most popular stories on today’s USA Today site shows that #10 is all about a little dog found in a dumpster. WWNews didn’t have the stomach to scroll down further but we assume #73 is the one about North Korea and a nuclear bomb or something. Or Miley Cyrus got a tattoo. Again.
As for the weather, it’s just too hot.