February 16, 2013 by Doug Coutts
Scientists have warned that there is no early warning system in place, nor is there anything they could do even if there were, to save the planet from the impact of idiots in Parliament. “They just come out of the blue,” explained eminent astronomer Luke Tudasky. “One minute everything’s as normal and the next, ka-boom, the shit hits the fan or the newsstand and it’s all over Mars rover.” Ducking for cover won’t work, Dr Tudasky says, for the MP or the rest of us. “The best we can do is hope for an early election or a highly selective small asteroid.” Neither is likely any time soon.
In sports, while doping is big news elsewhere in the world New Zealand’s cricket fans can rest assured their national team is certainly not involved. Unless there are such thing as useless pills. Or dope dope.
High-visibility clothing is unlikely to become compulsory apparel for cyclists, even after a coroner’s recommendation. Senior Government Traffic Management spokesperson Stu Kentraphick says cyclists are easy enough to spot as it is. “They tend to ride five abreast, wear stupid lycra tops with Italian brand names all over and have an air of arrogance about them.” Mr Kentraphick advises motorists to remain patient when encountering cyclists. “Bide your time. Sooner or later, you’ll get a chance to nudge them under a bus.”
To the weather now. I’ll take a hat and block up.